I'm scrapping all my plans and starting anew. Stop making myself feel sorry, stop living my life for some woman.. I will take a month's break after Tooti is closed, then it time to throw myself back in hell.

The ex-girlfriend is seeing someone else. I've nothing else left to hope for, it hurts but I'm moving on.

Divided

I realised I still love the ex-girlfriend when I met her again last night. Maybe she has some sort of hold over me or maybe it was just me, either ways I felt nothing but an uncanny connection between us. Half of me is convinced we belong together while the other half of me decides I might be delusional. Maybe, we met at the wrong time?

I was hit by a sense of jealousy when I thought of her going out on a date with another guy. Then, it came to me. If I don't love her at all, why should I be bothered? But I was, and I wasn't lying to myself. I only wonder if she feels the same way.

I bought her a necklace; a silver cross pendant with a ring attached to it. I was intrigued by the design the moment I saw it, because it meant something to me. The cross symbolises faith, while the ring represents commitment. I wanted her to have it, in hopes it'd replace the ones she has; or at least to buy myself a tiny corner in her heart.

My heart.... in the meantime, is wrenched in two places. I am amused, how in my entire life I've always been decisive but for once I'm torn. The ex-girlfriend deserves better, but before I take another step I have demons to exorcise. I hope she understands... and I hope faith, will buy me some time.

Decade

This year, I began the first few hours of 2010 in an unfamiliar place with people I barely know, downing glass after glass of booze. I miss Kericia.. and I think she must have felt rather uneasy spending the first day of the year in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar folks. A refreshing start nonetheless, I guess the both of us actually need a change in our lives.

I got to know uncle Steven and his business partner, the indian uncle from next door just right after Sam's Cottage, and then I got to know another bunch of residents from the estate. They welcomed me with alot of warmth and were very friendly. For the first time in my life I stepped out of my comfort zone to celebrate a holiday with strangers, and it proved to be a good experience.

I got home at 2am in the morning and laid on the floor, overwhelmed by alcohol. This would be the first and last time in many months I get drunk since Eric's birthday.