Awakening

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." Henry Drummond

I was in the middle of something in the kitchen today when I overheard the brother's conversation with Winnie. I realised then he had broken up with his girlfriend not because of commitment phobia or some trivial issues but a crack in the relationship that would inevitably result in an unhappy marriage.

All of a sudden, I found that all along I had been seeking a relationship which would carry on to a lasting marriage. Realising that I just want a girl I can settle down with also helped me come to terms with my present dilemma. I began to see that not having Pris become my girlfriend at this period wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it just meant a better chance for me tomorrow. With this, it also means I would endure an unknown number of years in isolation, insanity and single hood or encounter other potentials I would miss due to any circumstances. Pris may well be either one of them, but if my love develops deep enough along the way or if she's meant to be mine then we would somehow come together one day, otherwise...

And after losing KaiNi at my own hands, I've begun to feel even more determined never to give up Pris or any other girl I love the same way I did to KaiNi, I would never again repeat the same mistakes I committed on her. I loved her.... by all means, I sought redemption.

Finally, I began to see how Xiaoqi's brief presence in my life taught me lessons. I should thank her for helping me experience the joy of having mutual appreciation for each other's company and the experience of having someone appreciate my being. Ironically, my gratitude for her had to paid off with my departure from her life; which nevertheless brought both of us benefits. The only wish I have now is that she would one day understand and appreciate my decision.

Fall

I'm finally stuck, bored beyond wits on a Friday night. I simply miss the days when life was much more happening.... or do I really? I could be rewriting and editing some kiddy love letter for some friend's friend but I thought I'd skip that anyway.

I've nothing left of my life, now that I've given up socialising and going on stupid blind dates. I'm beginning to envision my future as Bruce Wayne(without the alter-ego), or Tony Stark, successful and pathetically lonely bachelor figures. I called up Mei, my Financial Advisor and told her I needed to see her urgently for something important. Astonished, she asked, "what's so important anyway? You getting married arh?!"

"Uh no, that's never going to happen" I said. It as though I'm becoming cynical. Do I believe in love anymore? The answer is no.

I sometimes wonder how on earth I have friends who have seemingly great lives and fantastic other halves. Why in the first place did they have me, a cynical, skeptical and possibly hopeless social dummy as a friend?

I recently re-affirmed my decision to remain single the whole of my life, refusing to believe in hope anymore. I've heard enough, "there's always a lid for every teapot." You know what? Whoever says that to me now is bullshitting. It been tested and proven, I'm meant for nobody. In fact, ever since I was a kid I've been falling out of love. I've had enough wasting my hopes, dreams and resources on love. My heart is dead for good. With my life and career going no-where, I'd soon have nothing left to live for if I don't make amends.

Exile

Even though you're never... no, you're not going to read this but I thought I should thank you for the many things you did (which) you might not have noticed.

Put it this way, I don't remember having someone caRe about me the way you did. You were the only gIrl who was really nice and attentive to me. I'm sure you'd forget me In a matter of years but I don't want to forget you so I'm locking down this memory here in case I ever forget. You are a Sweet, nice, Caring, decent, smart and beautIful girl. Any man who marries you would be the world's best darndest Luckiest man.

It too bad we have a 8 year age gap And well, just not meant for each other... no, I rephrase that. I'm meant to be alone. You're the first and the last I'd get dead drunk over, the very last I gave my heart to. You remind me of all the mistakes I've made my whole life, why I'm meant to be alone. You asked me once, move forward and learn from my past. I did, and this is the conclusion I've reached. It final and I've made my decision. Oh and you know what? It really a pity I'd forget how you look like one day.

I can only thank you for the warmth you gave to me in times of difficulty and in sickness. I got better because of you. For a while I was also much happier because of you. Thank you, thank you very much.

priscilia

Value

I seem to preach Lawrence's philosophy alot these days - I quote from the man himself, "friends are people who add value to your life and people you can add value to." I'm convinced it makes sense, and it been tried and tested several times; can't be wrong.